Max’s Shorthand Life, On A Cocktail Napkin (Or Two) | Max Griffin

Chapter One: Introduction

Once upon a time, in a place where things were different for friends and family than they were for him, there lived a man named Max Griffin. He was Irish, from Chicago. The place, now, was Biloxi, Mississippi. He was a bartender at casinos and resorts and restaurants. He was talented, but he liked to drink too much, and to have access to beer and liquor. Easy access. That’s why he sold it.

Chapter Two: Cocktail Waitresses and Servers

They will fuck you over. Fuck you, literally. And, steal, lie, and cheat. “That’s cool, she fucked the door man. Well, that’s cool – I fucked the waitress.” Kanye West (Chicago). He thinks about girls he almost knew and almost liked, whose names he almost remembers. They met him. They liked him. They realized he was out of town before they even laid him down. Sorry. Nice to know you. Nice to have met you. AND, he’s gone.

Chapter Three: Biloxi’s History

Biloxi was a shrimping and fishing town for years. It’s pronounced Bill-ux-ee. Get called a Yankee real quick for saying it wrong. Barq’s root beer was invented and bottled here before Coke bought them. He hung out with the Barq girls in high school. Nice girls – “Thing 1” and “Thing 2” – thank you, Doctor Seuss. Can’t really say much else without being charged for slander.

Chapter Four: Church/Weddings

Getting married is a good idea, but going to your friends’ weddings is an even better idea. OPEN BARS. Always wear a wedding band at a wedding. It makes you seem desirable. Always try to get drinks for girls (they love that, and the fact you know how to order fast). He’s Catholic. He prays to St. Jude. He doubts he’s forgiven for his sins, but St. Jude is the patron saint of the hopeless, and sometimes he feels like he’s getting there.

Chapter Five: Con-men/women

It’s hard to trust people these days. Even your family will fuck you over. Always keep everything you own within hand’s reach or in a safe, hidden place. He’s learned the hard way. Everyone is good deep down. It is hard to reach that deep without a shovel. Don’t forget it ever. In fact, It would be pleasing if you were to leave with this one piece of advice.

Chapter Six: Reality Check

Don’t live life in the past. Live in the future, like Will Smith in iRobot. The past was a lot cooler, but so is his beer. You are never in the clear. Don’t forget that shit either. Don’t say you are sorry too much. It puts people on edge.

Chapter Seven: Life and Death

No one lives forever. Some die young. Some die really old, but there are a million ways to die. He doesn’t understand why god hasn’t taken his life. The lord must know he couldn’t handle hell very well. He hates the idea of having to carry a body of a loved one in some type of box. He thinks, a lot, about how funerals are sad.

-Max Griffin, Irish, from Chicago


  1. Pingback: Mentally Masturbate Wit’ Issue Eight (Hey, it rhymes.) | Outside In Literary & Travel Magazine

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